Back Blogging

I can't believe it has been 4 months since I last posted anything! i mean, i knew i wasn't doing it, but 4 MONTHS?! Time flies.

I've filled almost two full journals with notes, sequences, and insights since my last post and the start of my teaching journey. I am just so used to carrying a journal and recording things as they come up that converting it to a post always felt like a bit of a chore that "i'd get to later", and obviously never did.

Much much later, I resume. There are a few key themes that I want to get to, and as they keep coming up and getting explored more deeply, I'm sure there will be more chances to write in the future when they are more fresh and authentic and not being copied from past journal pages.

I was just writing about something that is at least one aspect of at least one of these themes. I'm just gonna start where I am and trust that all the background will resurface appropriately.

It basically pertains to the issue of insecurity that seems to be present in many new teachers, myself included, and manifests as "do they like it?". The "do they like it?" syndrome is always present in me in varying levels of intensity, sometimes thankfully almost undetectable somewhere in the background.

But it surfaces when I consider the way that I love to practice and question if I can really teach in that way--if people will "get it".

I know what I LOVE to do--How I LOVE to practice--What it is that ignites my passion. But it is so subtle. And if experienced superficially, would likely appear boring and/or repetitive...if you aren't "getting it".

For example, one thing that could literally keep me busy for the better part of an hour is really feeling into and letting the breath move the pose in the simple action of the half-arch and folding in uttanasana. Usually, this movement is taught mechanically and given attention as little more than a transition: "inhale half arch, exhale fold".

When I hear these cues, it feels to me like a very mechanical movement, and I suspect that many people do it in a mechanical, very physical way.

But I LOVE feeling the way the inhale inflates the belly meeting and moving through the compression of the pose, ripples up the spine leading to a natural and sequential rising and uncurling of the torso and decompressing through the spine...I love the feeling of the lines of energy up the legs when my knees are perfectly bent and the muscles of my legs are engaged just enough...the way the sit bones spread and the sacrum widens creating so much life in the entire back body.

Like I said, I can spend the better part of an hour exploring these movements, sometimes moving between poses with each breath, sometimes hanging out in either pose and breathing, bending my knees more or less, coming up higher or staying lower...

And I've been this interested in this movement for about the past three and a half years.

And I realize that I can't expect to do this in a class for half an hour and have anyone be interested (and just to be clear, I have not and would not attempt this :), but I think that my "will they like it" insecurity gets in the way of my really trusting enough to really explore the more subtle energetic aspects of the practice, which are what I truly love.

It is hard enough to start teaching. But it is even harder to start teaching authentically.

Especially when that means exploring territory that may not be what people are used to and expect in a yoga class, and requires folks to sense more deeply in order for it to be interesting. And of course, it is much harder for anyone, even the most experienced teacher, to communicate effectively these subtleties than it is to lead a class through a more physically focused practice.

And I guess I have to recognize that some people just aren't gonna "get it", regardless of what I do. And some people aren't gonna like it--and that's ok. Better to be authentic and accept whatever happens than to try to make people like it because it is more on par with what they know and expect. What would that really serve.

I have heard talk in the wings about how "boring" Erich's classes are while waiting to go into a class of Saul's in LA, and I consider Erich to be a fantastic teacher who has spent many years mastering a similar approach to helping people to experience the subtle energetics of the practice. So can I expect people to be any less bored by me?

What I can do is always strive to improve my techniques of communicating the essence of what I love while acknowledging that I cannot expect people to get into a half hour uttanasana sequence in a class setting. The key seems to be allowing space and guidance enough for them to get a taste of what going deeper is all about, without overdoing it and staying within the reasonable bounds of the flow of a class. Give em enough room to get a feeling for a way of practicing that can be explored in more depth at home. And maybe they will find themselves naturally gravitating toward deeper experiences of the subtle.